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Monday, 14 September 2009
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A Rant
Scale says 110, but I think it's just a daily fluctuation.
Haven't been trying very hard lately, so not sure why I expect any improvements.
I wish I hadn't graduated post secondary in June.
It was a hellish three straight years, no summers, no taking of breath.
And yet, I had an excuse for my very lame part time job, my stagnation in the city, residing with my parents.
I still had a purpose, because I was going to earn my degree and THEN get a career.
Now is then and I need a career.
But I've lost sight of what I want. Of what I need to do.
One of my greatest faults is the ease at which I become overwhelmed.
I am highly unsatisfied with my current status. I need change. Motivation.
I'm taking the spiral of unraveling expectations out on my physical form, as per usual.
All I keep thinking is
"It's time to lose more weight.
If I just lost ten pounds, everything will work out."
Not eating will give me back control; will teach me discipline that I can apply to the rest of my life.
Friday, 21 August 2009
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Co-worker, after nearly a month away, comes back to ask, wide eyed, "why you lose so much weight? you not eating? you so skinny!" also mentions, "you used to have (circular hand motions around hip area) chubbiness" Embarrassed about previous 'fatness' New resolve for continued weight loss.
Later 3 of them, middle aged Persian mothers, all agreeing that "it's too much" coaxing me to "eat more, you need to gain."
I have a piece of offered popcorn.
In my head: "MUST BE SMALLER"
Finish my smug little bowl of green grapes.
112lbs, down from 127lbs
size 1 down from size 4 (x-small from medium)
Enjoying all the comments on my weight loss. Even those of concern. I'm pitiful. So so so pathetic.
I want to be 105lbs by my birthday - Sept 20th.
Still feeling rather large.
Especially in the thighs and hips.
Sunday, 05 July 2009
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Lost the ten pounds.
Lots of nice comments.
He's happy, but he doesn't love me.
Size 2 pants, size small shirt.
I still feel fat.
Very fat.
I need to lose 15 more pounds.
Can't stop thinking about cutting either. Says he'll break up with me if I do that. Hate having breasts.
Hate my legs.
Hate everything and it makes me tired.
I know why he doesn't love me. I know a million reasons why.
Monday, 04 May 2009
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update
Wow! Been so long since I posted . . . not that it matters - no one reads this damn thing!
Started dating over Christmas and now in a happy, meaningful relationship.
He wants me to lose 10 pounds.
I'm still looking to lose 20.
Got a gym pass a few days ago and just heading in for my first session.
Also, I started keeping a very detailed food journal tallying calories and grams of fat - it's so helpful. The sheer numbers helped me cut out undesirable food I had a hard time resisting before.
We shall see how things go.
Friday, 09 January 2009
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A New Year (. . . once again)
New Years, they come and go, all resolutions and regret.
I suppose I have a list of my own, but it's the same as the list I make every day of the year:
Still demanding more bones.
Still too many books unread.
Still the hope to never want, need, or think of you ever again.
I'm thinner, but to be completely honest, I haven't been trying hard enough . . .
Let's see how 2009 unfolds.
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